OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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