Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
