So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
