Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
We need to get me chipped asap
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
