the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Randomize
