The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
