i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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