just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
