So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'm determined to sit on that face.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
