Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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