I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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