I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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