dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
