I hate your face
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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