Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
