I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
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