The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
