theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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