you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize