Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
