I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
