It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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