Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Randomize
