Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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