Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
