Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
