Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize
