i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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