Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
