Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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