i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
