I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Randomize
