my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
