We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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