Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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