Betty ford says i'm here all night
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You need Xanax blowdarts
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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