I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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