This is not my ceiling
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
