I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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