he wants to bone in the snuggie
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
