So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
