her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Do vagina's smell?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
