haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
