You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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