It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
