Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Hippo gnu deer
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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