Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Randomize
