He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
