She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
