just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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