some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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