My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
