He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
