yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Randomize
