this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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