Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
